Building of a Monster
by butterfly53
Summary: Eric was made into a monster. Shrouded by leadership, fed with power. This starts pre-Tris, giving Eric a back story. Not beta read, which may turnoff some. Some smut later on, with a face borrowed from Jai, there needs to be right? I do not own Divergent, or any parts of it.
1. Chapter 1

Ghosts

The stale air, the scattered echo. Reminders that I was once here, as a kid, running full steam ahead. To where, did it really matter? Colors from a gazing eye, blurs of faceless people, bits of conversations, a din of whispers, haunt me more than I was prepared for.

As one of the leaders, I enter with Max. He continued at a pace to the stage expecting me to stay behind with the faction. Jeanine just happened to be descending as well, we made eye contact accidentally. I straighten, she was my leader not long ago, my Erudite roots feel like they are showing. But now we are almost equals, and I am not sure how to hide them.

"Eric, I've heard of your leadership appointment. I am sure you will rise to the challenges that Dauntless faces. I would congratulate you, but with your standings, I would have assumed you would become a leader. You were a logical choice," Jeanine's smile was just as back handed as the compliment. "We have made progress with the enhancements, please share with Max that a demonstration will be ready. Meet at the lab in 2 days." Jeanine and her staff continue down the stairs to the stage, the rest of the Erudite hush as they notice her presence.

Only 2 years ago, I was in the same hall, sitting in blue. A group so convinced order and wisdom. I could never continue as one. Studied, formal, appropriate, truth and wisdom are easy to hide behind. None of that will help you in a fist fight. I couldn't wait to shed the formality, pull away from the shadow my parents cast over me. They had Claire, the one who ranked highest in everything, would be one of Erudites smartest. When she defected to Amity, they shut down, became mechanical. I remember laughing when they told me, but they find little need for humor. Her absence became more like death than just disappearing. They put their disappointment onto me, I was never enough, I would never be enough. I could never equal Claire. For four years, I waited. They blade across my hand could not have been more satisfying, my blood burning on the rocks more freeing. I never looked back to them. I wanted it to hurt them. I hadn't thought about them until walking through the theater door, the shadows they unknowingly left still in the seats. I wonder now, as a leader walking through the same hall, would I be enough?

Max's presence snaps me out of dazed that burned through the entire ceremony.

"You know what you need to do with this batch. For too long they were allowed to slip through the cracks. Hunt them down, get rid of them." Max never wasted a word. I have my orders.

"Jeanine has something to show us with the enhancements . She wants to see us both in 2 days, whatever she was planning would be interesting to see if we could use it on group." I saw less of the ideal soldier in the pack heading out the door. We split up, Max has his role to continue playing, formality was not in his blood. His control for his anger for such trivial conversations is wearing thin. I have my work cutout for me and it starts with the train ride.


	2. Chapter 2

The weight of my jacket clung the leather to my skin, covered in sweat. The suns rays almost blinding. I rely more on my ears for the coming train. I know I am supposed to have 32, but how many will actually make the first hurdle is never a guarantee. Body counts under the rail is usually 2, and I bet this group will be the same. I turn my head away from the city, the tall grass already waving beyond the wall, still green bending to silver against the wind. The train interrupts my view, stones thrown my way as most make it across. I see finger tips gripping brick; no one goes to help, a quick scream almost drowned by the screeching of metal. I count 29.

They are drawn to the ledge where I am standing, a few peak over to the massive black whole. Twenty feet of free air to the hole, then another 55 to the net, and no clue its there.

"This is your first test. No one hear is guaranteed to make it through all levels of training, Dauntless born or not. This is not a welcoming committee. This is where you show us you just might have what it takes." All the transfer huddle together, colors smashed like graffiti, blank stares hiding any apprehension. The Dauntless born drift back in their our group, a few smiles and conversations still continuing. They have no fear of me yet.

"The only way down is to jump. Now who wants to go first?"

I see a hand raised, like it's still school, "There is something down at the bottom, right?" His white shirt and black pants gave way his old life. "How are we supposed to know what's at the bottom?"

I harden my face, already pissing me off "You should be the perfect one to find out," a simple tug of that free arm sends him over the ledge. He howls the whole way down, I know he is face first for a while. His echoing yawp stops and I know its time for the next. Shock silences even the most bold Dauntless born, a few step back away from my reach.

"So who's next?" A tall boy form Erudite sheds his jacket, trying to stare me down as he steps off the ledge, doesn't make a sound as he falls. I force myself to remember his face, he will either be a thorn in my side, or the quiet soldier, fearless to fault. They start heading over, with slight hesitation. An Candor looks across the horizon, off beyond the muddy haze of the empty lake, forcing one leg out like a step. Her fear is brims over, not finding enough to let go. I soften my voice, "Its only going to get worse," I place my hand against her back, if to force it out of her. It's almost a hint of kindness. I look up to a Dauntless face with a questionable look, too brave for my liking. "Do you want me to throw you too?," a shrill of anger leaves the back of my throat dry. He stands on the edge, a once brave posture cowers slightly, he fists his thumbs in his hands, rocks side to side before jumping.

One left, an Amity. The wind was blowing her long hair into a mess, across her face. Her time in the sun tanned her toned arms. Her hands were worn, nails broken down short, with dirt jammed in the beds. The sun lit her worn gauzy clothes, revealing the rest of a harden figure, made by the labor in the field, as strong as many Dauntless. She turned her head towards mine, with a look on her face of regret and not fear. She lived her life in the sun and will fall into darkness, I believe she was saying a long good bye to the sun.

"I'm walking away in 10 seconds, you jump now or crawl down factionless. " My tone much changed, without grit and anger. Her boots so worn, her feet sliding as she stepped up to the parapet, I offer my hand for balance. Her eyes met mine, I am suddenly locked onto her deep black pools. I feel the heat in her hands, as wet and callused as mine. I force my self to not look at the rest of her face. I want her to be a number like all the rest. She slips out of my hand and disappears into silence.

I flip myself over the wall, to the hidden staircase back down to the pit. Max meets me at the hallway, his jacket off.

"How many?"

"29", no clue who didn't make it. I hope he doesn't ask.

"We have no skewed aptitude tests, I'm following up on a few Abnegation tranfers. I think we have a sympathizer in Amity, controlling the test. Jeanine will handle that."

"Any word on the factionless, when do we get control back?" The number of them are growing, living without fear with Abnegation feeding their every need.

"Abnegation needs to be smeared first, let that happen on its own. Your concentration are these initiates. You weren't my first choice for this. Prove to me you need to be here." He leaves, words still hanging in the air, his form disappearing instantly.

My standing 2 years ago haunts me, still determining everything now. Strength overcomes all, knowledge is tool for strategy. I trumped all in both. Pain was my fear, my hardest to break. I expect it now, pain is something I know how to handle. Pain reminds you you're alive, pain brings adrenaline, adrenaline keeps you fighting. The difference between pain and hurt is pain you enter into it, understand it is coming, and fight on in spite of it. Hurt comes from words, promises not kept, needing someone to understand. They are separate; I was judge against them both. Together, they create hate. I can control my hate, conceal it, it is my catalyst. I can lead in spite of it, I can bury it. I can manipulate it, hide it, but I will not let it control me.

A screaming order from a trainer breaks my train of thought, as he sorts the initiates. I like to hide in the shadow, watching them without knowing I already sealed most of their fates; too scrawny, too honest, yes that will get you killed here, fearing everything, lack of identity. The Chasm does that sorting for us, for the mental cases. The rest get flushed out by injury. Those that make it to the end have figured how to work with what they got. A new idea from an old way of thinking, is bringing power back to Dauntless. Its more about soldiers and strength, protection is now secondary. Knowledge is no longer as asset. Bravery and fearlessness will be less divided. I know what I need to do.

The groups head off in different ways, I find her eyes among the faceless others, she has found my gaze in the shadow.


	3. Chapter 3

Deviations

"Everything you do will be seen and judged, every workout drill, every course skill. You show what your worth, and it may pay off in the end. Any questions, good!" Amar never gives them time to answer. He was raised in Dauntless, his need for order and procedure show he leaves very little room for the free thinkers. He breaks a few outsiders and builds them as he wants. "You are now Dauntless, start thinking and acting like it. This is Eric, he will train the Dauntless born. I am Amar, I get the rest of you. You will be ranked together, so even if you don't see your competition, you will be competing against them for a spot."

"What spot?" a thicker girl blurts out. They are all dressed in Dauntless, but I bet her Candor ways will label her for a while.

"Most of you will spend your time training to work on the wall. Don't event think beyond that for now." His hard stare set her straight, she looked away from him,

"All that time mastering engineering, and I get to shoot..." Amar's eyes look my way with a slight sneer to his mouth I slip behind this initiate cut him off from behind, a choked hold will get the angst out of ass.

"I don't care what you were before, if all you will do is catch bullets, you might as well start now", I felt him squirm and struggle, gasp for air. "Shut your damm mouth" I whisper, I feel him giving up. I push him back to standing, then back to place with Amar.

"Dauntless born follow Eric, the rest follow me."

Max is suddenly at my side, as my new shadows keep pace behind me. "Fear simulations first, mix it with their physical training. It should be faster than unborns."

"But last time it didn't go so well." I stare to him without explanation, he was there too.

"They will start stronger, I don't expect a repeat."

"Fine, head first then. I'll get them on the mats tonight, I don't want them too soft."

He turns down a dark hallway, his ability to find me at anytime a bit unnerving, him disappearing, more so. The footsteps behind me echo in the hall, the tempo occupying my mind. The deviation from heading towards the mats has a few perplexed, chatter begins as most know where else this hall leads to. I reach the double doors and push both hard, not caring who they hit on the back swing. Being ready for anything happens anywhere.

"Sit, we are doing fear simulations first, Reed you are up first." My back is to them, I head to the chair room, seeing Jen had all the tools laid out already. The thought that this was planned from the beginning crosses my mind. I hear Reed shut the door, his was the only name I could remember. I watched his Dad fight a few times, his Mom took the leap after a bad fall from the fence. He knew what he was in for with staying Dauntless.

"This serum works in your head, pulling out your fears. I can see what'sin your head with this node. I can tell how many fears you have. While you are under the serum, you are judged on how you handle your fear, how fast you work them, fight them, or shut them down." He remained stoic until he saw the injector, his eyes widening, tensing his face. The length of the needle should bring out some response, they aren't human if it doesn't. I keep it quick, still feeling his neck tense while I hit the injector. "Remember, I will see everything, don't try to fight it" Reed's eye lids drift, his head rolls to his side, his shoulders twitch. My screen lights up with his first fear.

I see more than anyone should be allowed, more than I ever want. Reed starts to sweat as his first fear makes it to my monitor. It a pretty common one, fearing not meeting up to the standards of their parents. His is a tad altered with the fear of his father, bits of arguments and slammed doors. Referencing an empty chair. He chooses o leave instead of conquering his father, something that shows great cowardice. He will have to obliterate this is he plans on making it. His second is a fear of death, but his more layered than most. He want s a quick one, painless, but his body is burning. On lookers are indifferent, as he keeps screaming. I knife in near by to end it himself, but he doesn't use it. He allows himself to burn, until he steps in front of a train, oddly enough, out in an Amity field. His fears keep piling, all pointing to three main fears cowardice, shame and self doubt. I begin to wonder if he chose to be Dauntless, if he should have gone elsewhere. What's he trying to prove, why is he still here? As his instructor, how am I supposed to make him Dauntless if nothing inside himself should be?

I think back to my class, how we were also trained. Fear simulation were the first to be administered. Amar thought it was a great idea, not just Dauntless born. The first week was physically tough and mentally draining. My free time was against the bag, my knuckles so bloody, skin so jagged. It felt better than facing everything all at once. But I, at least, could deflect it. Not all could. Anders, a transfer from Candor, lost it one night in the dorm. Took a belt and choked another initiate almost to death. Cut another from wrist to elbow. I got the one out of the belt, Max and other leaders had to let the other die on the cold cement, trying to get to Anders, he could have taken out many more.

A heart rate warning goes off, Reed must be sweating to dehydration, I give him an anecdote to bring him out before he's done. Forty five minutes, and maybe only 8 identified fears. He is going to be work, and I'm not sure he's worth it. He's groggy and disoriented, clothes drenched in sweat. He finds my eyes, looking for approval, but he will only find disdain. Jen reenters, resets my serum, hauls Reed out of the chair.

"Go eat and get ready for tonight, we start working in the gym." Reeds still not focused, his posture deflated. He heads out the room, leaving the door open. "Who's want it next?" My echo bounces back to me, a tall girl fills the frame of the door. She is not hesitant at all, sitting directly in the chair, her neck exposed.

"Marin Caffey," like she knew the process, as I was ready to type her name. I hear Jen chuckle ever so slightly at her readiness, too eager to please. It's not going to win her any points. I start my process, same words, same effect. Her fears are more represented by objects, she swallows them without thinking. It my first red flag for this batch. Her mental agility will be her ending, nothing will save her. I make my notes, I know Jeanine's eyes will read them. Her simulation continues, I shut my mind off to her possibilities. Marin ends it quickly, opening her eyes with a look of accomplishment. I say little as she exits, disgusted at her arrogance.

The rest continue, like school children, doing as their told. A couple look to be solid, brave. The day feels wasted as we enter the Pit. Cheers and speeches as rituals play out. I air of hope and joy. And for the moment it is fine. My group will feel the truth later on, and for what I am made best.


	4. Chapter 4

"The one thing about the mat is dominance. Take the floor, you maintain dominance. Surprise your opponent, take the dominant position. Size, strength, and skill mean nothing if you lose dominance." Tired eyes follow my pacing, I doubt many are really listening, they have been fed this since they could walk. "We are going to spar tonight, it will count. Start on the bags to warm up, all of you be ready, I'm not going to play fair"

The board was prepped with the names, I now have an idea of which face belongs to which name. Half of them will leave thinking they have won, the rest will have to figure out how to rebound. I'm not betting on anyone to win, they all have to prove to me what they are worth.

"There will be no conceding tonight," I pause for reaction, the room fell silent, heavy bags swung unstopped by a hand, confusion written over many faces. "It is up to me when it is over."

"Wow Eric, torture on day one, that's rich!" Amar, needing to make an entrance, walks over to the board studying names, his humorous air killing the mood. "When did we change that rule?"

"I did, just now. If you are in a real world situation, would someone call it like it was in the ring? NO, there is no walking away. Are you forgetting what we are supposed to be doing?"

"You want to lose half your initiates on the first day? This will be fun, I want to watch," sarcasm dripping out of his mouth. We lock eyes, he breaks first.

"Can it, or walk, we'll see how it ranks out at the end of day tomorrow"

"Sure, lets do that." He always has to have the last word, if he keeps it up, it will include my knuckles.

"Reed and Ash, mat 1, Marin and Tifft mat 2. Call it when you are ready" I instantly hear chatter about missed matched sizes, groaning about how tired they are. "You all have the choice about how hard tonight will be. I can watch the sun rise, if you all want to."

Reed and Ash start, smaller steps, more of a head game. Ash is half Reed's size, but her legs make up for it. She has more defined arms than most, but her bulk makes her slow. Reed throws first, she ducks, ties his arm back and has him on the floor. He instantly gets his foot to her shoulder from behind, almost pulling her down, ripping an ear cuff. She jumps back to the mat edge, he stands back at center, blood dripping from his chin, but with eyes narrowed. Ash showed her cards first, Reed is calculating. He exhales, centers himself, and starts to over take the mat, keeping it all on her upper body, her physical weakness. She can only react, covering her face, getting forced out of the ring. She knows, as well as I know, its over; but knows giving up is not an option. Ash goes for more,she knows her life depends on it. Reed pursues, but without going for the kill shots. I can tell he is not wasting the energy.

Tifft already has a swollen eye, Marin's knuckles are bloody. I barely watch, there is not point except to dissect Tifft. I already have him pegged for the wall, like his parents. He can learn to react, he can follow. His brute strength is an asset, which Marin is making a mockery of, but he pursues, not of pride, but because I haven't told him not to.

"You can rearrange her face Tifft, nothing is off limits", I catch his eyes, nod my head in approval. I turn my back, hear the cheers erupt, a body hits the floor.

"You already have this sorted out, huh?" Amar keeps watching Reed and Ash,"Compliant soldiers, is that it?" he's hinting at something.

"Putting the bravery back," I don't look at him, I keep watching Tifft.

"By filling body bags?"

"Marin's got whats coming, if she were really smart, she would find herself elsewhere."

"What do you mean?", he is suddenly in my face, with rage behind his eyes.

"Figure it out, are rules meant to not be followed, are we supposed to keep wasting our time on them?"

He backs away, with disapproval, "I didn't have you pegged for suck a kiss-ass, who are you trying to impress? Coming in second still haunting you?"

I follow close behind him, turning him around, gripping hard on his shoulder, "Do you want me to show you what I came in first?", my voice echos, both mats stop and stare, the cheering suddenly silent. Amar shrugs me off, walking deep into a dark hallway, his footsteps the only sound, no one else dares to even breathe.

"Marin, you are done. Got to the infirmary, stop bleeding on the mats. Next up..." I call 2 more, both tall girls, both branded Dauntless, both I know already know how to fight. "Ash you are done, ice your face"

They continue, I watch. There are 2 in the group hat have no physicality to make it, or they have yet to prove it to me; I doubt that will change. They all leave, unknown how little they will sleep before a hard wake up run. Amar's will be fresher, unbeaten but terrified by what they will see I put my group through. It's more of a warning of what will come. I finish my notes in the terminal, head out avoiding the Pit. I see a shadow by the Chasm, sitting by the edge, arms hung over the rail. My feet give me away.

"Is it a sacrifice?, when someone jumps, this place is beautiful and yet so deadly." Shadows still hide her face, a voice I am not familiar with.

"You know you are supposed to be sleeping, being out alone is against.."

"I know," she turns her head away, runs a hand through knotted hair,"I needed to get away from the dorm, I knew how to get here."

I let the fact she interrupted me slip by, she is oblivious to how much danger she is really in, sitting where she is, but if she wants to play with gravity, I'm not stopping her.

"I'm Jules, by the way", she finally turn her face into the light, her eyes give her away, the last jumper from the roof. She shed her Amity colors, her figure defined in Dauntless. Sun freckles across her cheeks give her a look of innocence, a natural downturn to her lips, almost sadness. She outstretches her hand, a sign of Amity upbringing, without thought, I leave her hanging. She turns away slightly ashamed, and crosses her arms around the rail again. For a while, its just the water flowing, my legs failing me, not moving.

"Tomorrow is going to be brutal, you better get some sleep, the Dauntless born are running with you," still nothing, still looking towards the falls.

"I spent more time running in those fields, most of the time barefoot. I even chase trains for the fun of it." She looks towards my face, looking for approval, she's not going to find it. "So how long does it take to outlive your usefulness here? I mean, is someone a coward for jumping, or praised for moving on?"

Of all things, this, the ending and not proving herself in the beginning. "Depends", and that's all I can muster.

"Oh." and more silence. Her arms shake a bit, she adjusts them tighter around the bar. I think she withdrawing a bit from the Peace serum, something she probably didn't even know was clouding her judgement. "I know you are Eric, am I supposed to be afraid of you?"

"Dauntless aren't afraid."

"I'm not. You don't need to scream so much."

Bravery or stupidity, not sure which yet. I almost laugh at the suggestion, I think she shocked herself at blurting that out. She brings her legs up, making herself smaller. I don't want to leave, I don't want her to leave either. I can think of little to tell her.

"I want to be brave." She rests her head on her knees, looking my way. She exhales; I let go of a breathe I didn't know I was holding. Our eyes lock, I notice the light in hers, even in the darkness.

"I think we all do."


	5. Chapter 5

Marin was not with the group by the time everyone went out. The assumption was she was still in the infirmary, as it should have been. I know better. Amar may have as well. It was no secret with the leaders about the push to filter out the Divergent. I have a theory many of the factionless are, but living as scraps of human existence make them almost controllable. Abnegation filling a void for them as it is a virtue of their role in society, does make it tougher to divide and conquer. The factionless wont bite the hand that feeds them, so the best thing is to topple the source and see the ripple effect play out on it's own. What's worse for a mother, watching her kids starve or getting a bullet through the kids head, its a choice, and I may have to make it for her. For those that think the leadership title is about shift rotation and keeping order, little do they think of how it stays in order, how things appear.

Jeanine will finish the missing piece that will restore order. A tool for Dauntless, I saw as an intern with all its prospects, its ability to thwart an uprising, to shift masses of soldiers without delay. Restore order, enhance protection. Sure, some can interpret it as pushing to boundaries of the Dauntless creed. But you can say that about almost every advancement of medicine as well; does curing disease go against nature? Disease is a fault of nature, we are eradicating a disease of human nature; rebellion and lawlessness.

We head to Erudite headquarters, Max and I took off early. Amar has my group with his for conditioning, Jen jumped in to help with volume. They should still be exhausted from what was thrown at them the day before, making them easier to control. I expect a few will be missing when we get back, as this day does flush out some of the weak. And the idea of skipping a 10 mile run is almost making me giddy.

Riding a train car with only one other person makes for awkward silence, Max deep in thought with whatever he dealing with, I'm lost in my own thoughts of a conversation heavy with questions I was never ready to answer, of things just excepted without thought. Growing old in Dauntless is never part of the plan, its something no one ever asks about. I've never thought about after, just now, maybe a year from now, but never any further. I never thought about how I would die, if I lived to choose it, would it be dignified. Would I be mourned, would my parents outlive me? Would it be painless?

"Wait any longer and I'll be scrapping you off the wall, snap out of it!"

I almost miss the window, Max leads off, his long coat catches the wind, gliding in flight, landing in a slide with a perfect step off. I still can never make it look as effortless. I look fledgling, as a flightless bird. I am suddenly aware of the many Erudite eyes watching us walk into the tower, the white walls and bright lights in stark contrast the Pit. Its almost painful. I look down and see the fraying in the knees in my pants, new cuts in my knuckles I must have gotten numb to getting. The white walls, a world I never could have been a part of. We are supposed to shed the name the minute we cross over, but every now and again the idea of being elsewhere, wearing different clothes, living a different life, I could have never seen myself elsewhere except Dauntless.

"Today, both of you can test out the new enhancements that were changed." She saves time without the niceties, the formality of introductions. Her assistants stand at a distance to escape her quick movements. The lab can be dangerous on its own, Jeanine in a fury, even more so. A subject behind glass, strapped to a vertical table, awake, seemingly aware, but a blank stare tells me otherwise. "This is with a stronger serum with tags, it delivers a pulse that disturbs the waves center of the brain that deciphers personal choice as well as a hypnotic response and control message. It bypasses a need to constantly need reinjections, the tags are in constant contact with the main hub."

"We had the problem with response, they still need to be fully trained to know how to follow through?" I cut off her sales pitch, getting right down to the reason we were forced to make the trip.

"Yes, predetermined skill and training is the underlying basis, I can't ask a farmer to perform surgery with suggestion. That was never the flaw."

"I want to see it," Max stares through the glass, with as much anticipation as me. "If Eric and Amar can train this next batch on schedule, we may have a test class, once it is determined it is ready to go."

Jeanine hits a few commends into the central terminal, guards enter the glass room, unstrap the boy. He is thin, but clean, his hair shaggy. His gaunt face has more than a few scars, burns are where tattoos would be on his arms. I could tell he was rounded up from the factionless, but I could have pegged him for a Dauntless trainee.

"This one is already engaged, he will respond to a programmed sequence," she gestures to guards who force an elderly factionless man into the glass room. He is bound at the wrists, barefoot, clothes thin and patched. His beard salt and peppered, made his eyes stand out, and those seemed to have given up on living long ago. He stays in a heap the guards threw him in. He makes eye contact with me, I can't look away.

"You are all heathens, soulless murderers." He looks to the boy, raises up to his knees, and tips his head down. He knows what's coming, not how, but that he will never see another day. I don't feel sorry for him. The boy finally moves, swiftly goes for head and with a twist, the old man is back into a heap, his eyes without light. The boy still stands at attention, waiting for another command.

"First, there is no rejection of command. He can stay engaged for up to 2 days, we haven't pushed into 72 hours without rest, but I feel longer deployments can be established." She is satisfied, sends the guards in to retrieve the body, the boy remains emotionless. "Second, we are seeing more and more defense skills amongst the factionless."

"I see that as well. I can tell someone is training the same as Dauntless hand to hand combat. That was not learned in alley squabbles. They must be organizing."

"You are right Eric, when Abnegation took away control of the factionless, I had suspected this would happen. I never thought them to be helpless. This shows training, layers of skills. They must have someone who defected," Jeanine looks deep into the glass room, I can tell this isn't a triumph, but a needed answer to a much larger puzzle.

"Interrogate him, truth serum.." Max gets interrupted.

"He fought it, no matter what we did. I didn't want to kill him. You needed to see his skills, he has many."

"Hand to hand, knife, evasion," I could list more.

She looks hard at me, "Yes". We all pause.

"Someone is building an rebellion" Max looks my way, shocked by the words that came out of my mouth.

"This doesn't mean we start a war with gunless street rats. We need to infiltrate first, find the source, put the flame out," Max telling Jeanine, she looks to not like being ordered.

"I agree, I want to have our defense ready if it escalates. I want 5 of your trained initiate class, when they are ready. I will let you choose Eric, who they are. You can program further skills and responses as you see fit, for the testing group."

"Yes Jeanine, I will have them ready."

"I will to add patrols, don't tell Abnegation. They are eluding surveillance." Wheels were turning in his head, I can see him chipping away at layers, and this one boy behind the glass was luck to find him.

"I believe the Abnegation knows more than they let on. I want them dismantled, publically. We need to gain control..."

"Time, Jeanine. This will take time." Max cuts her off, she changes her stance, almost defensive. She pauses, gathering her thoughts, not expecting him to control the conversation.

"You are right. Three things have to happen. Abnegation needs to loose control of the government, we need to find who is behind this factionless training, and for what they are training for, and Eric, you need to ready your class in response to this." She turns away not allowing Max to add to her manifesto, back to the terminal. "There is a flaw, if you could call it one, it will not work on Divergents, but I see it as a cleansing mechanism." She turns to me with a renewed look of confidence. "I'm working on something different for them. Keep sending them my way."

"I had no other plans, Jeanine".

"We need to go." Max turns and begins to leave, expecting me to follow. I simply nod, and she in return. As we leave the lab I hear screaming from the glass room, the boy now in his own mind, realizing what he did. Back on the train I watch kids of the factionless play in the empty rivers, without fear, one could say carefree. I see them now so differently, in one train ride. Instead of outcasts, insurgents following an iconoclast faceless leader, devising and corrupting in the shadows. A toxic wave I need to stop.

"Eric, has Amar been helping you with fear simulations? I had a report he logged in to view Marin's stream. I found it odd he would be interested." Alone on the train again, better for private conversation, especially ones likes these.

"No, just Jen. He was pissed during spars when I paired her with Tifft. I pegged her out for Jeanine, she hit 3 of the 5 traits and closed her fears extremely fast. I have no clue how she didn't get marked on the aptitude test."

"Is he becoming a sympathizer?"

"I'll watch him. It will be easier when he starts his group in the fear simulations." I already have my suspicions.

"Keep what we saw today to ourselves. I'm getting pressure from inside as well about changes to Dauntless. They don't see it as progress," Max turns away, looking deep into the horizon, the fence always constant in view.

"To many holding onto the way things were, before Dauntless lost control over the factionless,"

"They are forgetting what it meant to have it. No one knows about what we saw today, the idea factionless are being trained. That will lead to too many questions."

"I know what I need to do."


	6. Chapter 6

**_If I Did What I Wanted..._**

Days were getting blurred, training, conditioning, skills, fear sims. Initiates were getting stronger, I only lost 3 more over the time, which is better than Amar's class. They walked, but it wasn't a surprise, seen as cowardly. Hot days easily turn into nights at the Pit with mornings of sneaking out before the sun. Keeping everything low key brings little suspicion to watching Amar from a distance. Finding his initiate history threw red flags, but it either went undetected or purposefully let alone. Not sure which to question first, someone who is in inadequate in leadership, or someone that's possibly a sleeper. Both are disturbing, both scenarios needing time to answer. I hope it's the first, that may have already taken care of itself. But if it's the second, I may be scratching at the surface of something much greater.

I remember being one of Amar's initiates, following his every move, balancing the physical with the mental. We were more like a test case, and many couldn't handle it. I've let go of the anger of watching a few good soldiers shrivel at his arrogance, molding his favorite above me. And for what, Four wants nothing to do with leadership as it is, and I get be the consolation, which I am reminded of constantly. I feel the beginning of being a pawn, Max overlooking much that I am doing, knowing I wasn't the first choice. I'm already questioning who to trust. Private meetings in Erudite draws too much attention, the everyday chatter discussing shipping routes and water stores never needs much one on one discussion. Although I am a leader, I am only herding the sheep up a mountain to the cliff, whether or not they are brave enough to stay on is up to them. Amar will seal his own fate, he is tying his own rope, the truth of who he is what will make him swing.

My early morning walk through the bags, I find Jules alone, already sweating, knuckles bloody. She doesn't notice me. I find a pillar to lean on, listening to her breathe. The bag can be deceiving, swaying and spinning against thrusts and hooks. But she zoned in, little will break her concentration. Her pace picks up with a double left, she holds her breath, pinches her lips between her teeth. Its less about skills, more about anger, demons, burying hurt. I was like her once. Letting everything blur around me, lost in my own head, feeling nothing in my hands but power. It can get intoxicating, controlling, but the bag doesn't respond, it doesn't fight. Its sway reminds you its useless here, you aren't going to win. That hollow feeling creeps in telling you you're done, you're spent. The fight in your head is over, for now. She slips with a gab and the bag spins, she watches it for a while, a frozen gaze. A door slam breaks her out of her zone. She rubs her eyes, before noticing her bloody knuckles.

"You need to clean that off," a shocking quiver lets me know she hears me, her eyes widen, looking for the source of my voice.

"I'm going for a towel, didn't expect to go that hard at it," still not knowing where I am.

"Did you learn all that here, how to fight?", I finally let the sun find me, turning from the pillar.

She finds me, a slight smile turns up the corners of her mouth; out of familiarity, her shoulders relax. "The fields weren't always so kind", she looks away, out of shame, or just out of time, I will never be sure. "I'm going to grab a towel." My eyes follow her, the morning sun finding the golden highlights in her dark hair, loose ringlet strands waving in the slight draft. She leaves her boots and jacket, running barefoot to the stalls. She returns, her hair better tied up, water splashed across her face, her jaw line more defined then before when she took her first jump. "I'm not going to get ratted out for hitting it early?", she faces me with a bit of worry, I notice a new tattoo behind her ear, scrolling down to her neck. I am fascinated by it, I almost forget she asked me a question.

"No." I watch her clean the red marks off, then bend over to slip her boots on. Her bare arms show many scars, highlighted by new bruises, and yet I watch her face, at ease now, but how the hurt was etched across before. How good she must be at hiding it, what I could read when she thought she was alone. "You should cover your cuts, they will heal faster."

"Oh, yeah, I'll get them taped before I grab food. Thanks," she slips away, to the dorm, I'm stuck like an idiot. The two times I have come across Jules, I am suddenly aware of everything about her. How she moves, when she looks my way. I can't let her get under my skin, she is supposed to be almost faceless to me, something to train for the fence, or flush out like a bad apple. I never wanted the need to see her creep into my head. I am alone again, with no one in the gym, but for the first time, her walking away makes me feel empty.

I center my thoughts, prepare for my day. Shooting range, and a war game plan. I'll let my group slide today, rest and heal up a bit for war games. Its the first time both groups are together. I'm eager to get out there, for the fun of the hunt, trainees or not. Getting a little dirty, shooting a moving target, all in the name of skill development; its a perk of being trainer, and no one is going to bleed to death. If they make it to the end without getting shot, they might make it above the red line, live to see another day.

We sort our teams on the darkest off train rides out to the pier. I let Amar have a few of my weakest, I got his biggest asset, Quinn; his size and demeanor I remember from the roof. He takes Jules before I can claim her, but anything else might raise a few eye brows. Glow flags and guns handed out, darts loaded. Everyone only gets 6, after that, its hand to hand.

My team hits the ground running, my only instruction is to hide the flag at the top of the dome, climbing the rails needs a bit of skill, the middle ground defense is almost to easy. The rest is up to Zarah and Shea, both are smart and know whats at stake. I join the defence, while Zarah takes the offence out to search. Shea leads the defense, gives me more of a suggestion, he doesn't look at me in the eye, about staying as a pillar guard, but he gives orders well to the rest. I tad sheepish to authority, but among peers, he is fitting as leadership. Things I will remember for the terminal.

In the silence before the onslaught, I lean against the brick, the heat of the day still radiating. A slight breeze whistling through the rusted rivet holes. Off in the distance, the wisping of shots fired and hollows of pain. I don't hear footsteps yet, the pants of labored breathing. The other team still fanning out, looking for any source of light from the flag. One of my defense took is lanyard light, hooked it on the corner of a collapsed container, the breeze swaying the light. He hid under the remnants of metal and waited, smart as fuck, quiet and cunning.

Amar's offence came running with heavy feet, gave away their strike. I can only count 4, which means its the first wave. Two were taken out by shadow boy in the remnants, I pop a girl who didn't check her six around the containers. She drops her gun, which I grab as I head to the other pillar, doubles my ammo, waiting for the footsteps of the 4th. I hear nothing, not even a breath, until a slight rattle of a gun give its location away. I head over the the corner, grab the eyes of shadow boy, gesture to lay low, I'm taking out this one. I make out the figure, a ray of a sliver moon breaks through clouds giving away her hair, I know instantly its Jules. She heads around the far corner, assuming the empty lake is safe from threats, still not knowing I'm behind her. She backs against the container, as to sense something was off, rotates her head in my direction. I freeze, with my gun still at the ready, not wanting to shoot, the act of taking her out seeming so domineering, a feeling I'm an not used to, which makes me hesitate, in the field would be death.

Her eyes find my face, I know its her or me to make a choice. "Shoot me if you have to," as a whisper. I step closer, within inches of her face, lowering my gun. No one would hear anything, if I shot her or not. A breeze lifts the sent of soap and leather. I raise my hand to her shoulder, she doesn't protest. I hear more shots and screams, but it is now useless noise. I want to kiss her, touch her skin of her face, taste her lips, feel her body against mine. We stare at each other for longer than we should.

"I can't," and that's all I can muster. Sounds of more bodies running, a few pops. "Watch your back, stay out of the line of fire." More silence between us. "Pillar guards don't have many darts left." Her lips part, waiting for more from me, I can't let myself do what I want. She turns her head away, readys her gun again, and heads back toward the dome. Leaning against the container, I want to scream. My foot finds the wall of few times, so angry at myself that I let myself get distracted.

I run back around the corner, the collapsed container empty now. I am putting it to timing that he shouldn't have seen us. The pillar guards are empty, one went down, but I threw her my claimed spare gun, she will be fine in a few minutes to defend again. I hear a fight in the stairwell up to the grid. I know one of them is Jules. Shea is the last before open air to the center of the old dome, if she can make it that far. Its climbing through a firing squad from the wide open floor as she would walk across the beams. If she does get hit, working through the pain instead of letting go to her death. That spot is a tad more sinister, but when there are no rules, there is also no second guessing. She will be brave enough to finish it.

An air horn floods the area, my offence must have found the other flag.

"Guns down, guns down!,"relived Jules won't make that walk across, being an easy target for event he worst shot. I flip on my beam light and start counting the withering bodies, not as many as I was hoping of Amar's team. "I want to see darts, who got hit, and how many left in your guns". A few of my team pull them out like badges of bravery, taking 1 or 2, but still emptying their clips. Most clips were empty, or with just one left. Its a good judge of how they shot, how they kept going. And it fills my time waiting for Jules to come out of the stairwell with Shea. I want to see her, make sure she's ok.

"So, you finally won at something," I knew right away I need to put Amar in his place, him losing at anything will mean digging at everything else for a while.

"Start getting used to it, the view from walking behind someone else."

"Anyone bleeding?"

"So far, so good." The tension keeps building between Amar and I, he was studying me, for whatever reason. A major loss did hurt when trying to stay in the leadership circles, he also doesn't know he will be watched with a magnifying glass for the next phase. I bet he sensed it, he knows what came be followed and how.

"I'm heading up, got to indoctrinate a few."

"Fair enough," and I stare at his outline until he disappears into the darkness. I hear the raising of cheering voices, banter and harmless digs. Its still a cut off night for some, bags will be packed and shifted out. I still have work to do.

"Shea, is everyone accounted for?"

"Yeah, no one is left under the dome, stairs are clear, I grabbed the flag, it's packed with the guns. Zarah and I are heading out, the rest are heading towards the train."

Leaving no questions open, I head toward the train, many Dauntless borns are missing, but I know where they're going. They will be awake early for as my present for the extra fun, but I say nothing to divert them. Two miles in the air on a rusty old cable may thrill some. I did it once, and that's all I will ever need. I see Jules finally, more so her reflection in the door glass. She's leaning on a pole, I can tell she is tired, sore, and a bit defeated. Adrenalin must be keeping her up as she converses with a few others. I loose myself again staring at her, the rock of the train a tad hypnotizing. The screeching of brakes hauling us back to the compound preps everyone to rush out. A few brave ones jump to the platform, but the rest wait, as do I. I need the Pit, to drown the memory of everything I did, everything I shouldn't have done, and everything I wanted to do. I finish at the terminal, knowing I just let one of mine go. It was time, its better this way, or at least that's the idea I hold on to.

I pass the Chasm, I see her shadow again, sitting by the edge. I can't be around her, I would do all the wrong things, I wouldn't be nice, I would want to leave scars. So I go to Cree, she has what I need ready, a few behind the first, because she knows me better than I know myself, and for now that will be enough.


	7. Chapter 7

**_Note: This is a progress chapter, stuff had to get done here. Its a set up for the rest, which actually came first, and most is already written. Thanks for keeping to this one._**

 ** _In the Light, There Will Be Truth_**

The coffee did little to clear the fog from my head, the noise undefinable as layers of voices come smashing into my ears, but I cant' hear actual words. I'm still watching Max's lips move, but faking my way through this conversation way to early in the day. The noise did one thing though, cover any decipherable statements in public, to not be blamed for hiding behind doors. It is usually Max's plan for anything questionable.

"Got anything tangible? Anything that will stick?"

"I hunted his aptitude test, given by the same that was fleeced out. I traced his log on to Marin's fear sim, he would have no need to view it at this stage, except to see if my hunch was true. He's also been heading to a few spots in the surveillance with limited range among the factionless, to convenient, for my taste." I watch Max survey the room, his face unreadable as it should be. "He spends time in the chair, it's Amity responses he's trying to change, not fears he's keeping in check."

"You know, or are you just questioning his choices?"

"I know, in my gut, I know. Too many sides to that coin."

"OK, make it look like an accident. Candor does not need to be sniffing anything out here. I'm bringing in Four to take over stage 2, and finals. You aren't going to have a problem with that,?" More of a statement, not a choice. My face must have changed, we locked eyes for a while, until I turned away.

"No."

"Good."

We watch the initiates go about their morning at the tables, the night still wearing on many of them. I hunt for Jules, with no avail. Max continues on about shipments from Amity, adding more guards to the depot. I'm still only half hearing. Most of that will be handled by someone else, I keep looking for my distraction.

"What five are you giving to Jeanine?"

Right, back to that.

"Not sure. I would rather give her a few from this class, near the bottom, at the end of training. I can't figure we are going to get them back. I'm not giving up my best, that would be a waste."

"Fair enough."

"I haven't seen enough of Amar's, to pin anyone specifically. I'll know soon."

"Two weeks."

"They will be part of a cut off. I won't make it obvious."

"I'm giving Four help by letting Jen work with him in Fear Sims. You don't have much left in there, you can spare her." Great, making my days longer. Whatever. Wonder boy can get whatever he wants, as long as he stays out of my way.

"Do it, tonight." He leaves to his day, as mine just became more complicated. A death of a leader will raise many questions, unless its self inflicted. Disappearances become investigations. Getting him alone when he already doesn't trust me, that will be the hardest part. The rest I may leave to gravity.

As I leave, my eyes finally find what they were wandering for, but not how I wanted to find her. All the training and the brutality of it has caught up with her, a few cuts frame her face, a deep bruise across her jaw stretches to her cheek. Even though its hot, she wears a long sleeve shirt, using its size like a blanket. She slumps down on a bench, like the morning was already spending what energy she has left for the day. I question what Shea did to her in the stair well, either way she'll recover, here or elsewhere, and now it truly depends on her to step back up. And yet part of me want to protect her. I wall that off for now. I let spars fill more of the day, adding more layers, more about reading reactions, less about brute strength. Why let a fight go for 5 minutes when 3 hard hits is all you need? The difference of fighting smart versus just fighting. The truth is I need to do little but think about a good plan for tonight.

My mind wanders about the thought of Divergents. How long have others let them in, covered their tracks. How many hide out in Amity, how many run the streets in the factionless. Is it a network of sympathizers throughout all factions? Would I even know if I was Divergent? With the questions surrounding the factionless, I wonder if the threat is real, will a fight with an organized army be in my future, will we finally have to kill whom we were once supposed to protect. As brutal as we can be, it is our purpose to protect, give our lives if we have to, but I never expected to have to fight our own.

For tonight, I may have to pull a few favors, have Cree pour doubles. But getting him alone will be the hardest part. If he ever shows up. Amar's group is working with strength trainers and he is no where to be found. They are supposed to be prepping for Fear Sims, and as first time out, he is front and center for testing his initiates. I send a message to Max, telling him Four might want to start today, Amar is already missing. I have guards check his room, the report was that is was empty. I take a walk through the Chasm, I doubt that he would do something like that, or that someone else would force him that way. He had few haters, and what Max and I were discussing was outside of any circles, outside of the leader information. Max has surveillance hunting in the factionless, guards will also be hunting today.

I keep to my group, lifting some the burden of what I was actually regretting. It wasn't what I had to do, I was trying to not be attached, if it came to that. A court case, truth serum, it could have ended bad for me. I'm not how much Jeanine would have done to save me the trouble. But he was a Divergent hiding what he was. He knew it, and had help hiding it. It is much bigger, and I would have loved to dig deeper. My afternoon plans changed when the report came over that his body was found on the tracks by an Abnegation. It was at the morgue and identified before anyone from Dauntless could make a statement. It was also made aware that their was little to identify, maybe a few tattoos would have been left, a few scars. All of it raising flags, too convenient, fitting perfectly of someone running scared. Who or what that was in the morgue probably has little to do with the actual Amar. It will be interesting to see what gets said, because it was outside Dauntless walls. Max plans on telling Amar's initiates, but tomorrow will be like he never existed, to teach them how to move on quickly. I'm keeping my ear to the ground, I may do a little research next time I'm at Erudite.


	8. Chapter 8

**_Sweet Escape_**

"He's so stiff, but he's good with a manic fear. I had to pull a couple of them off the ceiling."

"So he coddles them."

"Not really. Some of them seem to be afraid of everything, I would swear only half of them are worth it." Jen drops back her drink and taps the bar for another; she must really hate this group. "I feel like they are being raised like pampered babies."

"Anyone interesting?" Her mouth gets loose after a few, knowing what buttons to press, and having seen into the deepest parts of a mostly innocent mind has its perks.

"Nothing really. Some weird Amity crap, but she's a bit stoic. Amity are always hard, their brains are bathed in that serum for so long, they fear actual feelings like fear itself." She sips this one, shaking the ice against the glass. "I mean, that girl liked cutting, herself though. Like pain was her weapon to control, against what I don't know. I thought Amity didn't allow shit to happen there."

"Who?"

"Jules, she was second in the chair today." She finishes this one, turns the glass over, and slides off the stool. "Going to the fights tonight?"

"Naw, I got drills tomorrow." Liar, but she buys it. Breaking my routine with her, she not the jealous type, but I'll pay for it later. I want to go hunt for her, for Jules. First time out in the chair usually has them drinking to no end, or beating the shit out of a bag, either way both extremes. Empty hallways and dead ends, an empty dorm bed. My frustration rising, for what reason, I still can't pinpoint. Maybe within myself, trying to prove I'm a leader, instead of assuming I can. The climb being much harder with watchful eyes, instead of being backed by confidence. My own questions of Amar's supposed death, I can't press further. I know its a bigger web, protecting something I can't see, but him being gone is enough, enough for old leadership getting soft of what it means to be Dauntless. I feel like I am faced with the beginnings of a new order, a choice I will be forced to follow, walking atop a blade between right and wrong. If I don't question everything, what does that say about me, as a leader. Are we becoming compassionate for the few, but with no sense of bravery? Are we accepting cowardice, out of convenience? I get to be mad at myself, not having the answers I feel I should. But what is knowing without experiencing firsthand; so I'm going to go with my gut. Trust no one.

"You want to take a few of mine for sharp shooting, its stupid they sit there and wait, doing nothing?" Four's face thrust in front on mine, disorienting in a cavern of a hallway, already aimless in any direction.

"You are the last person I'm doing any favors, they are yours now to catch up. Worried a whole class will go down the drain on your name?"

"No." He rolls his eyes, annoyed. "I know they already were scored, but I have a few blanks. I figured we could give them a chance, I think 2 or 3 are better than eating a tank score."

My hatred for him, blurring my thoughts, almost seeing red. I am keeping my distance, letting him actions speak for themselves. My class so strong, almost ready for finals, I couldn't have asked for a better group. And then he had to get involved. We were pitted against each other during our time, I saw his anger, his conniving sense of control. He used it against me, I wasted time trying to flush it out of him. He is just like me, we are to sides of the same coin. I don't hide my hate, he hides it behind his Abnegation selflessness. I will call him on it every time.

"Fine, I'm not wasting my time on them, they shoot for themselves. Do you trust me to be honest?" Calm, controlled, stay controlled.

"Maybe, it doesn't mean anything to me though, its nothing if they tank."

"I'm on the roof before break."

"They will be there."

If that's all I have to deal with him, its enough for the next month.

I still need to see her, I am not done for the night. I know she is below the line, she will not make it to the end. I can not save Jules. Sweating, frustration, I'm not hitting my bed without knowing what is in her head, and mostly I need to clear mine. My favorite spot on the roof is my only sanctuary, quiet, still, alone. I think about life before the wars, the lake so full of water, I could skip a stone across the surface. I read an old book about a Dad and a kid skipping stones. Whatever that was, I would do it. But its useless to think that way. My life is not about joy, no one can assume otherwise. I know I will be used up like an old rag, and spit out just after I am useful. I signed up for this life. I still believe it will be worth it.

Stones scattering under feet, raged breath. I slight whimper broke my silence. I follow it to another level, closer to the back entrance everyone has experienced. She has propped the door with her boots, her legs swinging over the edge, over looking the vast fields. I smile slightly, finding what I needed.

"You have a habit of breaking rules about sneaking out." She shudders at my voice, more out of embarrassment of being found. She wipes her face with her sleeve, and starts to trying to stand. "You don't have to leave. I seem to find you alone, a lot." I give her time to collect her thoughts, yet she still doesn't say anything. "First time in the chair is the hardest." I finally get her to look at me, the glow from the glass ceiling makes her tears shimmer.

"I was fine with everything. I knew it wasn't real. I lost control, I thought I buried it far enough away that I would never find it anymore." She stops lets out a breath long and jagged. "Everyone thinks Amity is easy, hard labor, simple life. They break anyone who doesn't fit their ideal worker bee."

I heard rumblings about persuasive corrections, using late night digs and harvests as cover. Never thought it was real. It makes sense though, her scars. I thought the whips stayed in the barn with the horses. I can't pity her, this is a point where this fear will need to be dealt with, a spring board instead of bottling it up.

"I know I need to move on. I am away from that, away from everything he did to us. He can't hurt me, even if I don't make it, he will never control me." More of a declaration, but at least she said it, for herself.

"At least you aren't afraid of spiders," she laughs a little, I follow her lead. "Big hairy ones with lots of eyes."

"I used to name the tree spiders when I was a kid. They are harmless, even more harmless under your boot." Her tone changes, more relaxed, I find comfort in that. She shakes her head and laughs at a private thought, leaning back and crossing her legs. "I know where I am on the board. It's ok, anything is better than where I came from." She has a resolve about her that I am slightly jealous of, she isn't angry about it.

"Things change all the time, don't clock yourself out because of a bad day."

"I just don't want to get to attached. I want to get a few more tattoos before though, it's a tad addicting." She smiles, trying to find my face, seeing if I take it as a joke. I can think of little to say. It becomes quiet between us, but not an uncomfortable silence. My legs feel like they will give out, I find myself sitting beside her, but not remembering how I got there. I hear the echos and cheers from the fights under the glass, they are a reminder of what I still have to be a part of tomorrow. But if only for a while, I have the roof, with her, and every problem is underneath us. My hand finds hers, she doesn't pull it away.

"You know I couldn't shoot you, during war games." I curl my fingers around her, both our hands are sweaty. Her thumb circles a callous on my knuckle. "I should have never shown you that, I wouldn't hesitate for anyone else." I have to confess everything, I feel like our time is limited. I can't get attached, I hope she knows it. But we are alone, again. The world could collapse, and it wouldn't bother me right now. "I don't know what to actually tell you, I know what I'm supposed to be,...here, right now on this roof, I want to see you. Not a soldier, not a name on a board, just you." My words are failing me, if she can understand anything, this is just tonight. I can't give her more to have it ripped away. I need my walls to be so thick, impenetrable. I never expected a girl like Jules. I never wanted to need someone.

"I want to see you, I have never been afraid of you, I never want to be." She leans her head against my chest, the breeze blankets us with a coolness that makes her arms grip my waist tightly. "You know you are intoxicating". She inhales deeply, I do the same, I want to take in everything about her. She lifts her head, unblinking staring deep into me,"If only for now, it's ok". She closes her eyes, I taste her lips, salty from tears. Our tongues touch, and for the first time, fire ignites, electricity burns through my whole body. I never had this before, not like this, I fear never finding this again.

She wraps her legs around my waist, I move away from the gravel, she is pulling off my jacket, one arm at a time, I rip her buttons, my rough hands feel her hard body, the softest skin I have ever felt. I lay her softly down, belts are undone, she lifts off my shirt for me, I bite her neck, I feel a moan rubble in her chest, sweat dripping down my exposed back. She stops, and stares at my body in the glow from from glass, then kisses my chest, she is careful around a bruise, her fingers slide down down my front. She is beautiful, my mouth plunges around her nipple, her leg presses against me harder, we both are so hungry. I want to take it slow, feel the ecstasy of wet climax, savor everything, no regrets, no missing chances. I nibble her ear, my fingers find her so wet, she bucks at touch, I am so hard. Her wanting hands force me over, shes in control now. She drags my jacket and throws it around her like a blanket, the smell of us trapped by our heat is sweet. She licks my chest to my neck, she envelopes me with her sweet softness, our bodies finding rhythm, she is so tight. I don't want to hurt her, I doubt I'm her first, what do either of us really know about this. I sit up, going deeper than I could have ever imagined, her heels digging into back. I am on top now, she quivers at my fullness, climaxing with a soft scream. My hand over her mouth, her teeth, biting my thumb, then sucking it, pushing my brain over the edge. "Harder" she whispers, panting in my ear. I hug her deep, my hand against the small of her back, giving her everything of me, spilling over, almost agony that it ended. My body humming with energy, my brain drunk on it, Jules is beneath me, a primeval claim of her as mine.

We hold each other for a little while, our own heat keeping us temperate, slowing cooling back for our escape. She fits well in my arm, her hair catching the wind, it is so soft across my face. The echos of reality reminding us that tomorrow we will be what we were yesterday. I'm not letting go for now, she is almost asleep in my arms, and I want to race the sun to beat it cresting over the horizon.


	9. Chapter 9

_**The Agony of Landing**_

It was the passing of a grateful moment realizing Jules was gone. The morning sun was already hot, I had to be Eric the Leader again, the memory of last night hiding deep. I wouldn't have to watch her walk away, slip form my hands. It is better this way. Color has left my eyes, what little was there now grey and dull; the sky flat, the grass lifeless. I mechanically go through the day, looking beyond the faces, beyond the targets and ammo, wishing I could walk in front of a gun, to feel something. It would be pain instead of heartache, blood instead of tears, a life for a soul. Its a fleeting thought, I'd rather shut down than shut off, so I shrug that away.

Needing to focus everything away, today will be about final rankings, physical performance, the mental game before the third stage. The sound of metal impaled into dummies is a wanted distraction, filling my wandering brain. The idea that most of Dauntless snipers have never actually put a bullet through the brain of anyone, make me wonder how bad they are itching to do so. They control everything, their breath, their grip, they are train to restrain it. They choose whether it is death or to debilitate, never getting to do what they are best at, unless Jeanine has her way. They are our biggest assets, always ready to pounce, never getting to pull the trigger. Fours trainee's did little to amaze me, nothing would save them anyway. Not sure what Four was thinking in a second chance but to waste me time. I made that very aware as I was scoring them.

I watch as my group gets ready for the final stage, some ware the unknown more than others. Lacking in confidence questions calling on inner bravery, knowing what your made of, taking a bullet regardless of the pain. Watching the best soldier crumble in the slightest test of courage, I need to know what these initiates are made of. The sorting of them, even with a few of Four's promising ones, I keep a tally going to Jeanine. What ever fate they will face won't be a Dauntless death, but of my choosing, and with that the fear of knowing how they will die, if they are allowed. Sending someone factionless meant they were left to their own devices, they lived or died on their own. I know I will send those on the fringe into the hands of someone I am not sure I trust with her intentions. Tortured lab rats, tested to the end of their will, or a quick death. I hope the latter, for my own peace.

"Nice cluster" Ash is getting cocky, grouping in a smile. Need to knock her down a bit.

"Thanks," a little to proud of herself.

"Put one through the throat" a slight gravel rubbing in my thoat

"I'm empty", she forces herself not to look at me, just down at her clip.

"Then load it and put one through the throat, I can't have screaming in fire fights, we just want kills." She fumbles with a quick reload, her hand start shaking as I breathe down her neck. "FASTER, are you going to throw your gun at them, FASTER". She shoulders her rifle, and gets off a shot but misses, ricocheting off the brick, red dust scattered in the wind. "AGAIN", her whole body shaking with the thrust of my voice, fires again and misses the mark, "AGAIN", and this time she got what I asked, a messy kill shot.

Silence, no one dares to move, the rifle rattling in her hands, she keeps me in her periphery, still not trusting anything I do. "What did we all learn for this?", an echo rattle glass in a loose window. "Well?"

A small figure steps forward, Zarah, my smartest, looks straight through me. "Waste not, one clean shot is all that's needed. Stay focused". Text book, mechanical, but still right.

"Extra points to Zarah. Ash," putting my finger through her shoulder, "you better hope I forget this during scoring," she turns away from me, small and impish. "Dismissed for now, the chair is open, I'll be there to work on sims. I expect to see improvements. Combined mats tomorrow." I pocket Ash in the back of my head for Jeannine, she will be useless on the fence, so that's one, four to go.

A walk through the pit for food, Jules outline, sitting alone on a bench, floods my head with everything I was avoiding. I turn and head the other way, I lie to myself that a chance with talk to Max will be a good thing, to prod about Jeannine next test, and to shake out more about Amar.

His working quarters are flooded with light, half walls divided him form others, dust seems to be dancing in the rays, and it never seems to land. An old metal sliding door frozen on its tracks would give him privacy, I doubt it has moved in 100 years. This is one of the quietest places in all of Dauntless, leaders are supposed to clear their heads, make quality decisions, of which are mostly made it the pit, over a drink and without consequence. My quarters had no such space, my windows always in shade, the hum of surveillance hub drilling through the walls.

Max is still, staring out into nothing, hands clasped, deep in thought. My knuckles hit a hardened rivet, I regret knocking at all.

"And...?" Annoyance falls across his face.

"That narrows it down. Where do you want me to start?"

"What do you think really happened?" His eyes narrow, reading my every move.

"The report was a slip during a train jump."

"Do you believe everything you read?"

"No. Hell no."

"So,"

"Did anyone identify his body? Where was he coming from? Why has he been alone among the factionless?"

"Spoken like a true Candor." A devious smile hints at his lips. "Don't worry, you would be a great Intelligence Officer if you wanted to step down."

My face suddenly hot, a snide remark churning in my gut, a sudden loss of trust in Max. I question how he sees me most of the time, I begin to question what he thinks I made of now for the rest.

"Candor's honesty or lack for sharing all is tarnishing their pure white backdrop of clarity. I bet it goes beyond what we've been told, and without evidence, we got nothing. What happened to your girl in the chair, Mary?"

"Marin, Jax daughter, Jeanine got her."

"Well, no trail to follow to Amar. Keep finding them, what Jeannine suddenly needs them for, I'm not sure. It was easier the old way."

A pause, he rubs his knuckles like a retired fighter itchy to slug someone, a moth beats against the window.

"What about that cut off?"

"Most won't be mine, I tagged one. See how the sims shake out. We don't get them back, right?"

"No intention to."

"If we are amplifying what we are intended to do, why is this class so disposable, it's it the highest volume of bodies at the lowest rank? How many more tests are we going to give up for someone else's curiosity?"

A held breath tells me more than any words would allow. He can't tell me, or he doesn't know either. If we are both pawns, what are we really diving into, are the faction layers that bendable, the divisions meant to work in symbioses network, all lies fed to children to play follow the leader, without question.

"So it really doesn't matter, save the top 10, and the rest will do shake out to Jeannine, and if something escalates and I don't have reserves, then what?...refill next year and hope what we know in the factionless isn't true." I was out of breathe, my chest hurt, our eyes met with an understanding, Dauntless is an afterthought, we don't have control.

"It is not for you to decide what we are going to about what we are learning about the underground. Keep it up, you can join the bullet catchers if you are so worried about them."

I was seeing red, if he said anything after, I didn't hear it, couldn't comprehend it, didn't want to know. I can get tagged for asking to many questions and would be just as expendable as the weakest on the board. I have to play smart, if I want to stay alive.

"Fine" I had to be careful and control my anger. My leadership was a farce, and I fell for it, I am deciding to play the part for now, because that's what will keep me alive. I wonder how much Four knew, I am suddenly jealous of his freedom from this web I am tangled in.

Alone in the hall, I drift back to last night, everything I could have ever wanted, didn't know I even wanted it, I had. Its cruel today, that we have to act like it didn't happen, we don't exist, our tomorrow doesn't have a horizon. What I did was torture, for me, for something else than just lust and chase. I was fine, until I drank from another bottle, and now it's empty, I can't have another.

Jen joins me for the afternoon, time in the heads of others is better than everything rolling around in mine. They work through their fears, I get them to focus and how, not what, I think of how I could save 1 on the fringe, time would do him good, of which he doesn't have. I could send him out, get him lower to send him factionless, or hope some has a great big fall. But I rank him honestly, and hope he doesn't end behind Jeannine glass. I tally all the intiates, Four has submitted his as well.

I close my eyes and not look at the read out, I know the top 5 haven't changed, maybe shuffled themselves around a bit, but for the most part they have been solid. I fear looking into the red, my walls are falling no matter what I do; drifting a glance down further, it has come true, Jules sits in fourth from the line. I signed her execution order with my own insecurities, handing her over to a face the unknown. I can't say anything without hanging myself, and little that would help her.


	10. Chapter 10

_**Sleeves**_

The music wasn't load enough, the drinks aren't coming fast enough, I can't drown the thoughts. Guilt, I don't know. Maybe. Regret, not her, but everything else.

"Slow down, you're drinking me out of my stock. Shit's harder to come by." I reach over the bar and grab the bottle, staring him down, wishing Cree was here. He lets me alone, giving me a look of disgust, but he knows I can take him, so why fight a loosing battle.

I feel a hand rub down my shoulder, sliding to close to my chest, knowing who is it, gripping her wrist hard. She curls her fingers around my hand, almost enjoying it.

"You haven't been around much?" Sitting on the stool beside me, I see little of her face, but I'm not supposed to really notice that about her. "It wasn't the same, you bein gone so long." I let go, add more to my glass, feeling her fingers slide through my hair. I actually hate it, but I'm to far gone to react. "So you got the kids this week, I had a few in my shop. They look so young, I don't think I ever looked so young."

"You'd have to have innocence for that."

"Huh?"

"Nothing."

"All that leadership work have you stressed?"

"Sure, you could call it that." I load my glass again, she takes her finger and rims the bottle with her finger, licking off a drop from her finger tip.

"I could make you forget things"

"No."

"You used to be fun, Eric"

"I used to not care." I don't let her say another word, get my last swallow and slam the shot against the bar. I know a cracked it, my hand feels warm, I smell the copper of blood, but right now, I feel nothing. Not cold and controlling, not brave, not anything. I'm in my apartment, not sure how I got here, but all I know is I'm alone. Bitterness creeps in as the liquor swims deeper around my head. Blame drifting into my thoughts, because they will kill her, I will feed her to them. It's all their fault. The floor feels good with my back against the wall, the knives left in my pocket seems to fly in their own into the wall, I thought I was a better shot, but I don't have any more anyway to find out if I could beat Four, cuz he slipped me out by a hair last year. The rain started, the lightning is the only thing I need. The wetness hits me through the open window, my face is hot and dripping, I hope its from the rain..

8*8*8*

"Come on, wake up." Light is hitting my eye lids, I don't have the ability to absorb it yet. My mouth so dry, I don't think I can talk, so whoever that is, better not be trying to kill me, I just might let him. "Eric, drink this", a cold bottle thrust into my hand, still sprawled out on the floor, fitting gravity. "I'll see if I can slip those little green pills from the infirmary, those might my you a human being again."

Moving took to long, but sitting up to the already to hot morning was enough torture for anyone, then having Four dragging my ass out to the day ahead. The cut from the glass last night finally reveled itself, caked in scabs and dried blood. I go to wash it off, still finding my baring while hearing Four go through my drawers. Why he keeps helping me I'm not sure, his Abnegation is showing, I say nothing.

"Damm, that looks bad, interesting evening?"

"Wouldn't you like to know," I head to my cabinets for wrap and gauze, he still is meandering, at the point of annoying. "Don't you have initiates to rank?"

"Last day of fights, you weren't at the bags during warm ups, figured I'd see if you were at the loosing end of something."

"I got time, I'll see you down there," pretty much pushing him out the door. Him being here is a tad surprising, I don't think much beyond that as I finish my morning. I know I am going to see her, today there are no divisions, no pillars to hide behind.

Some of the trainers are getting last bits in, they also know the weight of this day. I see Jules working on a bag with another initiate, the same from the train. She added a tattoo to her shoulder and down her arm, liked she promised herself. She looks tired. They begin smiling about something, something private, not showing how heavy of a day they all have. Her eyes lost something I can't put my finger on, what ever it is, I'm sorry its not there, like this place is sucking the life out of her.

"So Eric, how do we pick today, roll of the dice?"

"You decide first, and then we see." They begin to gather to look at the board, all remaining name are in order, but no line today, they know that gets added before the third round, anything can happen, and I hope for her, it actually does.

"Who ever remains standing wins, we are conceding, but remember that its a ranking fight", Four started it for me.

"Or is knocked out, we won't stop it." He eyes me, wanting to protest, but its the last one, why not make it interesting. Little does he know I'm hoping for a little brutality to go a long way.

"Tanner!" His frame is large, new muscles that are defined but not part of him yet. He is not intimidated, but I think I can do better.

"Shea," I know he's smart, he will keep it quick, solid. This won't take long. They size each other out, Tanner throwing and missing, Shea eats that right up. A few more body slams and they are out of the mat. "This is not a cat and mouse game!," cheers and hisses ripple through the rest of them watching. Knuckles are already split. It starts to feel like a night fight, with a matched pair. "Is that how you want to be remembered Shea?" And with that, a series get Tanner near the corner, and few blows and his arms goes up.

"Conceding? Is that how you want to go out soldier?" Four had some push in his voice I didn't know he had. I look at Shea, just starting to break a sweat, like he would be ready for another round. Tanner's face a bloody pulp, he knees the mat with his hand up, getting dragged off by trainers. He was int he middle of the pack, he may be may first notch to save her.

"Next, Eric draws first."

"Fine, Tifft!" He makes his way up, he almost stretched his tank to ripping, but his legs seem under developed for his frame. Anyone with thought would use that to their advantage.

"Jules, next" I heard her name repeat in the echo of the room, her eyes immediately find mine. I try to remain unreadable.

I watched her start to sweat long before the fight started. She learned to fight her fight, her size made her nimble, if she was smart enough, she would disorient Tifft. He could have killed her with the right blow, he knew it, I knew it. But she is going to fight to survive this round, Tifft loosing would do nothing more than hurt his own pride. He's in the middle and safe.

I heard the cheers start, pumping up their mates. Other mats seems to stop their own spars with the commotion. I could see how bad her bruises were, with her back to me. The look on Tifft's face was more of guilt than readiness.

"Same rules apply", Four starts it for me. Tifft swung first as I knew he would, she got under his arm with a quick knee to the ribs, a backhanded elbow to his back had him over her knee and on the ground. She knew to duck before he fell.

"You let that little runt win, you might as well be factionless Tifft" I heard my voice echo back, a few Dauntless born eyes turn my way, but little do they know I don't mean it. I would be the bigger idiot sending him out.

That move of hers had her facing my corner of the room, the over head light washing her face out, the shadows under her eyes. Tifft waits for her this time, they dance, claiming the circle as if more ground will actually mean something. Blood drips from her nose, even though I didn't think her got her face yet. A slight falter in her step, and Tifft is all over it, pinning her to the mat.

"Come one Jules, get back up" one of her friends breaks protocols and gets on the floor next to Jules, who seems to be withering on the mat. Tiffts finds my face with fear in his eyes.

"Eric, I didn't hit her that hard."

Four breaks through first, pushing his group out of the way, I start heading near as well.

"20 laps, all of you, now get out of my sight!" I hear groans as my group leaves.

"I said go-" to get a few a Four's moving out of the way. They scrawny kid is next to Jules, I don't even give him a chance to say anything, yank him by his shirt "Do you want to see the Chasm for yourself!"

He finally comes to his senses and runs towards the others.

I finally get to Jules, Four has her rolled on her back. Her eyes closed, blood still dripping out her nose. I tapped her face, to get her out of it, her head rolls to the side. I lay my hand on her cheeks and feel the burning.

"God Four, shes burning up. " We both look at each other, he hollers for a medic. Four starts hitting pressure points, hoping pain can pull her out. I find her heart beat, the fear leaves me of not finding one. Its faster than it should be, but its there. I move to her head, keeping it steady with my hands behind her neck. Her hair is so soft, her skin like silk in my rough hands. I can't let myself get intoxicated. I slight moan escapes her lips, her eyes flutter slightly.

"Hey Jules, come on, wake up. You didn't get hit that hard, this is not the way to get out of laps" his calm demeanor pulls at a tad bit of jealousy, his ability to control.

"Look at me Jules, open those eyes more," I feel her twist more in my hands, her face scrunches, tears drip down her face, wetting my thumbs "It's going to be ok, relax"

Four snaps his head around to me, with a strange look on his face. "Cracking that hard edge of yours huh?" I glare at him briefly, not the time, dick…

"I'm so sorry, don't send me out now, I can get back up, I need more time…" trying to catch her breath, crying, shaking, blood down her mouth, not sure if it's from her nose.

"Shhhhh, just breathe, we are going to get you looked at, you are in no condition to fight. Save it for another day. Look at me Jules, you need to stay awake, until the medic get here. Focus on me" her eyes met mine. Unfocused, heavy lids drifting downward, a sudden calm, her body relaxes, what she's fighting is winning, Im not sure if anything is helping. "Stay awake soldier…" I notice more blood dripping out of her mouth, sweat covering my hands. The medic finally come and take her, not fast enough if it were up to me.

Four and I were left to act as if nothing happened, mats were getting cleaned, they would be done soon with their filler run. It would be just another body count to the rest of them.

"So what was that?" he pushes my shoulder and turns me around, face to face. My immediate need to not answer him probably isn't the smartest. "Is there something between you and Jules?"

"Damm Four, I'm not the mechanical heartless ass you make me out to be most of the time." We are still in each other faces, a little more tension than there should be. "She's out, so what it to you?" He steps away, saying nothing, leaving me to speculate whats really going on inside his head. The sound of running footfalls rushing towards us breaks any chance for him to pursue me further. This morning finishes exactly as I figured, adding Ash to under the line, she fell to Zarah, still on top. I didn't loose anybody worth a dam, I have 5 new names to give to Max, and so far Jules is not one of them.

"Dauntless born, which should be the last time I ever say that you, take the afternoon. Clear your heads, tomorrow is Stage 3, the final bridge to cross, the final stage. Prove to them you have tools to be fearless and brave. I know you all can. Rest. I will see you tomorrow, Quinn will start first, the rest check the boards for your times." My groups leaves, and if history plays itself right, they will live tonight like there's no tomorrow. The fear of not knowing the end all still weighs heavy even at the top. I'll turn a blind eye tonight.

I head to the Ward, they should know something by now about Jules. Initiates are handled quick, why waste the time when most the end up here are flushed out. A slight flutter in my chest, I wouldn't call it worry. The section is full with some other knock outs, stitches and broken noses, but a general calm pulls some of it away.

"Eric, are you in for yourself?" A nurse, a tad to perky for all her dark clothes, face seems familiar. "Your hand, let me see it."

"No, its fine. I had a few come down here today, last fights."

"Some are ready to go."

"What about the one that was transported?"

"Oh, Jules. Doctors in with her." She goes back to her tablet, heading towards Tanner, laid out with ice on his face.

Her secluded area is surrounded by glass walls, they stripped her down to a issued grey gown. They cleaned up the blood around her mouth, she still covered in sweat. She under a few monitors, not usual for fight injuries. A doctor is injecting her through tubes, a nurse beside him, they both watch the heart rate. Another dresses something around her arm, her leg lifted on a pillow, a nasty cut I never noticed getting scraped and cleaned by fourth. I stand in the door, no one notices me. She is still not covered with a blanket, and that's all I want to do for her.

"You're her trainer?" A nurse grabs my attention, I'm a bit at a loss of words.

"Sure, yeah."

"She got lucky, those cuts were pretty deep, developed sepsis. Haven't seen that except at med school. But it should clear up with what we gave her. Back at it in 2 days latest."

"Good," not like I can do anything else but stay at the door.

"You need to watch more for stuff like this, if she was down here getting those looked at, this never would have happened." It's more on opinion, directed harshly. She must have passed at an easier time, forgetting some are factionless.

"I'll share that with the other trainers." I fold my arms, the area making me shiver. They still haven't covered her yet, its folded at the end of the bed, she looks like she's cold. They finally tie off the dressings, the doctor seems satisfied with whatever he was watching the monitors for. The doctor approaches me, his Erudite colors under the white lab coat. He checks his tablet before saying anything. He has a kind face, probably assigned here by drawing a short stick. He'll most likely see to much of our barbarian ways and split after a short stay like many before him.

"She'll be out for a while, the fever is pretty bad. I had to call central to get the right drugs for this. If she was a member I might even want to transfer her. But I can't make that call." A pause waiting for me to counter that, but I don't give in. "She'll be fine here. Hopefully back to the dorms in 24hrs."

"Fine," I have to keep my cover of indifference. It's my job to check, to report, to figure where they fit in line. I bury anything else deep for now, so no one sees. He dims the lights, not sure if its my signal to leave or to stay for her sake. He eyes me quickly, slides the door closed; I'm on the other side of it, alone with her, like so many times before. She still looks cold, I drag the blanket up to her waist.

This room is so quiet, I can hear her breathe over my own heart beat. No one knows I am here, I am left with my own thoughts which is never good, not now, not ever. All I can think of is how I am failing her. If she could finish, then what, find out how Dauntless is not the place for long term relationships. That I have a collection of flings with no attachments, and liked it that way for so long. And for those that do find that one, don't last that long, getting hurt, getting flushed out. It's better to not be anyone's other half, it doesn't hurt so much. I watched my parents for years, even in Erudite they couldn't get it right. So why try it here?

Because very moment we had meant something, holding her hand on the roof the first day, to that night, it was worth something. She could find that again, being factionless. Someone would love her, protect her, hide in the outskirts, live a long life. Would that make her happy, would that be enough? It could be, for me, to know she was alive, living a life I can not give her. Would I be brave enough to go with her, or am I now playing the roll someone designed me to play? I know what I'm doing tomorrow, gathering 5 that won't make it to the final stage, adding to the list of pawns Jeannine has wrapped around her finger. And what will Max do if I walk away from it all, hunt me down, kill me himself? I doubt it, but do I dare to try?


	11. Chapter 11

_**Knowing the Consequences**_

The knocking of the door didn't wake me out of anything, the balcony was my solstice, the concrete my bed. My lights off, just the moon highlighting the broken silhouette of a city I thought I belonged. If 6 hours passed since leaving Jules at the ward, time had slipped by without me noticing. Th person on the other side of the door coming for me before sunrise meant only one thing. I turned the knob, feeling the barrel tick, my hand heating the metal, every muscle protested pulling it open.

"One of yours, Ash, jumped in the Chasm." Brett looked stone cold, as if having to tell me was a chore. He probably found her after coming in from overnight tour.

"Still being handled?"

"Yeah, she didn't use a rope, just gravity." His eyes saddened, he turned his head away. It must have been a brutal sight.

"I'll be down, thanks"

I watch him leave, focusing everything on what I need to do next. Ill let Jen say the Words, most likely at break. The walk to the Chasm was quiet, silent enough to hear the constant drip of water that I usually tune out. A trainer had laid her out, blood covering her face and clothes. The disjointedness of her form made her legs twist, her boots were still on. The amount of blood on the rocks meant her heart was beating for a while, and with that thought, the idea she endured that fall, even if briefly churns my stomach.

"Anyone with her on surveillance?" I have to make sure, she was under the line, so it wouldn't make sense.

"We got no one. Just her" from a voice I know, his body completely in shadow. The glow from his terminal board does little to light his face.

They finally cover Ash with a cloth, I swallow the idea I pushed her to this. She would have been mentally vulnerable, no matter how good she thought she was with a gun. She chose to go like that, and if she decided to do it that way to add more meaning, its to her own suffering that she will be wrong.

I leave them to the clean up, down the hall to the ward. I have time prior to morning finals. Max has my list. They will be asked to pack before the test. Jeanine will have them transferred before the mid day break. The next time I see them, they will be drones, emotionless killers at the whim of a button. This morning could change everything, for me, knowing she would be next in line to get sent. She would be allowed back in the for finals if she will meet all the medical guild lines to continue training. My hope for her will be a fleeting whim, like a child in a story, wishing for a happy ending.

The steel door to the ward, already uninviting, swings with a creek, the unwanted announcement of my arrival. All the beds that were filled the day before were empty, it was quiet, only one nurse at the station. With one glance, I could see her moving, dressing in the shadow of a drawn curtain in the glass room. The sun filling her space. I slide the door without knocking, Jules keeps dressing, putting on her socks.

"Going down yesterday, you aren't supposed to scare me like that." She finally glances up, her eyes red, her face lacking color. She looks as though all her energy is being spent tying her shoes.

"Didn't do me any good trying to suck it up and deal." She has a resolve that is still powering through everything, she knows she will be factionless, but giving it a good end leaves her without regrets. I watch her gather her bag, not much left in it. She looks like she wants to ask me something. I don't have it in me to bring up today, tomorrow, or anything about the future. I'm lying to her not telling her she may be part for something must worse than factionless. I can't bring myself to even say anything.

"So, this is it I guess. I had a note to pack up everything, not that I had much anyway.

"Everyone does, the dorms are empty by tonight."

"I'm slotted for the afternoon, will you be there?"

"I'm there for all of them."

I slide the door shut, and walk toward her bed. Our hands intertwine, hot tears fall through my fingers. She leans into my with her shoulder, feeling her ragged breath, as her body shudders. She feels small in my arms, and for a fleeting second, I could have picked her up and walk out of there, out the back. No one would know for a bit, no one would be looking. But in the end, it would kill us both. So I hold her, through the hurt, that's all I can do.

"I'm sorry, I know you have to go." She finds a towel and fixes her face, maybe hoping I would slip away so she wouldn't face me again. I can't move because I don't want to. But to be fair to Jules, if fairness is going to be brought into this, it all ends now.

"You were cleared to go for finals?"

"Yeah, its all mental, I got that in droves I guess."

"Ok," if I said any more I would be lying, I don't want disappoint her. We keep our distance, but our eyes meet, and if frozen for a moment, I capture everything about them. Every detail, how dark they look,but the sun setting fire to bits of gold. I wonder what she sees in me, what she's seeing in my soul, seeing the part of me that I want to be real, and he part of that others assume I am. "Just be brave as I know you are."

"Ok." She holds her breath for a bit, her face goes stone cold. I see her shutting down, cutting me out mentally, shutting that door. I don't know if I ever will. She is better than me for it. Grabbing her bag, she turns to leave, watching her silhouette being the last part of her that gets to be mine.

My head shuts off for a bit, I hear words, I see faces, I could have walked in front of a train and I wouldn't have registered anything. I would have stayed there all day, until Max decided to break it for me.

"Your issue last night shuffled the list a bit. I took the next one down. They are ready for transport to the lab. We are listing them as factionless for the books." I am suddenly aware of everything in the hall. Max claps his hands as another gets up off the chair, as other do without enthusiasm, Jeanine and her entourage watching screens, other Dauntless leaders supposed to be doing the same. I know they are forced to be here, it all comes down to a numbers game, how many fears, how much time taken to conquer them.

I hope my face doesn't show my shock, an emptiness in the pit of my stomach burrows deep, I feel the blood drain from my head. She will die on a whim, and I am surrounded by the system that will do it. Too many secrets, too many layers, too many pawns. Names disappear off the terminal, from what I remembered from the night before. Another layer, another pawn to make those disappear. I wonder if she is struggling to understand why she is in a troop transport, if she is afraid. I concentrate on keeping my face unreadable, Jeanine glances my way depending on who's in the chair. There are no surprises, those who remain have passed and are ranked for position. There aren't any questions about the missing 5, as is they didn't exists. Four doesn't seem to acknowledge it either, but he is a hard read. Neither of us had a typical initiation, we have no precedence of normal, and I feel I am played to that as well.

The last wraps up without any fanfare, most leader leave, Erudite's presence lingers around Jeanine as a quiet conversation with Max continues into the hall. I want to follow, but I'm not sure if it is my place, even it was me who sent those to their death. If I have to own it, if it is their blood on my hands, I shouldn't be left in the dark. Jen grabs my attention, pulling me to the ranking boards for the last announcement, right before final dinner. The cheers echo through the halls, energy is radiating, relief and acceptance brimming out of the Pit. Twelve hours prior, Jen said the Words of bravery. Shame, pride and selfishness, we don't speak of, of waste and wanting, later on become sacrifice, selflessness, and duty. Was it all a lie?

What's in it for me now, the sacrificial heart?


End file.
